My view from the shadows

Tonight, like every other night, the clock will read 5:45pm. But unlike the others, tonight is different.

The sun has set 730 times.

Our Pittsburgh Penguins have won the Stanley Cup twice….in a row.   You know how Beth feels about that.   *grin*

Two birthdays have past.  Two first days of school and the yummy dinners which would follow.

Christmases.  Tuna Noodle Casserole. Trick or Treating.

All gone, never to come back again.

You are a teenager now.  The little girl once asleep on my chest now has a better iPhone than I do.

Where do I begin?  What can I say to properly express how I feel?  I know you are hurting.  I know you are angry.  I know you are confused.

It’s okay.   Really.

I am sorry I helped to foster an environment in which you didn’t feel safe to open up and express your thoughts and opinions.  I always thought I would be the type of parent you could talk to no matter what.

I was wrong.

I helped to bring you into this world, yet our worlds seem so far apart.   On the day you were born, I found myself totally understanding what love really is…and since that day I have done a pretty shitty job at showing it.

I am sorry I hid my transition from you.   I was a coward and let fear control me.  I was stupid for the way I handled things.  Ever since I left your mother, I have been afraid to lose you.  I felt if I revealed my true self, it would be the thing which would cause my biggest fear to come true.   Little did I know, it would be my inaction and inability to tell you the truth which would cause that to happen.

Life was already hard enough for you.  I helped to find a way to make it even worse.

From behind your thick impenetrable walls, there is so much you are attempting to process.   There is so much about you I want to learn about, but deep down inside, I already know.  I know what’s it is like to bury ourselves from the inside.  I know what it’s like to want to hide from the world.   It freaking sucks.  We are afraid of being vulnerable and any attempts from the outside to tear down our walls only cause us to build up another layer.   Self preservation at it’s finest/worst.

It’s okay and it’s totally normal.  We’re just weird in other ways.

As we begin our third year apart, I wish you well.   Soon you’ll be 14 and preparing for the end of Junior High.   Wow.  My little girl will be a high school student.  Yes, I’m old.  You don’t have to remind me.  (I can so hear you saying that too).

Can you do me a favor?  Never stop loving your little sister.  That kid loves you so stinking much.  Every night when she prays, she asks for you and I to be together some day soon.   She reminds me of you.  An amazing kid with a big heart.

Until then, please know I love you.   You know the story…. I love you through and through.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow too.