The unraveling of it all

More and more everyday I despise Evangelicalism.   It is this ideological disease that causes me to slowly disconnect from what I held tightly to growing up.

This isn’t love.  This is hate.

Yes.  I said hate.

This is a pure power grab of epic proportions   This is legalism at it’s finest.  This is conform or be left behind.  Women, minorities, those in the LGBT community all deserve better.  They deserve to be treated with love and respect.  This drum beat of bullshit has to stop.

So many of my friends are knee deep in ministry and it hurts to even have to share my feelings, but I can no longer hold back.   I don’t know what else to say.  I know these are good people.  People who have special meaning in my life.    They’re so good at what they do.  I admire them.  It has been so good to reconnect with them.  To them, my words may hurt, but I have to ask.

Do I count?

Am I one of those people who Jesus commanded to love?  Does it bother you when people who claim to be on your team viciously and purposely destroy anything and everything that doesn’t think like them, act like them or yes…even believe like them?   If you are in the business of lifting up the down trodden, let me give you a hint…that would be people like me and my friends.   If you get to know us, you would find something beautiful and pure.

So much of the hurt and pain in my life has been caused by so called Christians (Pastors, Corps Officers(that’s The Salvation Army word for pastor), and people who almost went into full time ministry). I’ve threatened with physical violence, almost had my marriage broken up and even had the unconditional love of a parent usurped by their job of pastoral bullshit.  Yeah. I am pissed.  You would be too.  What kind of example is this for those who may be looking into this whole Jesus thing?

Time after time, there has been nothing but frustration and heartache.    Add of top of it the recent political climate and it has led me to this point.

I’m done.   My faith journey is my own.  I am grateful for people like   John Pavlovitz, Benjamin L. Corey, Chris Kratzer and a few others who have become the final firewall between me and total atheism.   I am doing everything I can to learn, grow and evolve…doing my best to find the answers I desperately need.  I want to shut out the world around me but I can’t.

It sucks knowing there is a calling for me..there always has been.   I have felt it all my life.  Ugh.  It’s like having a gift certificate to an all you can eat Mexican buffet at a restaurant which has been condemned by the health department.    How do I reconcile what I feel with what I know?  This shit isn’t easy.

I’m not up for much of a discussion here but as the days the go on this hurt just builds more and more.

I know the answers are there.  I’m just afraid to find out what they actually are.

Adam Again – “Reason With Me”. 

You say that God means nothing to your life
But that’s in the daytime
But what about the tears that fill your eyes
In the middle of the night
When you’re awakened by the voice of God
Demanding a decision

“If you reason with me
You’ll see my love is for real”

You say that you’re the only one you need
You say you’re an island
But then I watch you staring at the walls
And I know your heart is breaking
Won’t you listen to the Voice of God
As it whispers your forgiveness

“If you reason with me
You’ll see my love is for real”