Dear friend,
I miss you.
Not having you around has made it just a little tougher. I won’t deny it.
I’ve been told I shouldn’t dwell on this loss. I’ve been told to move on.
I can’t.
They just don’t know who you are. If they did, they’d understand why it still hurts.
Yes, it hurts. Not having you in my life sucks. I’ve run through the scenarios over and over. I have tried to pinpoint where I start picking up the pieces.
Here are a couple things, in case you’ve forgotten……
I am me. You knew I was abnormal from the beginning.
I am the one who would make it a point to seek you out and hug the snot out of you.
I stood with you at your wedding.
I invited your children to share in our wedding ceremony.
We have traveled and chatted and laughed and cried…especially after your dad grabbed me in the privates. Ouch.
Together, we built some pretty good shit.
We stayed up and watched late night television, hoping the woman who worked in the neighboring office would receive a visit from a man in a bear suit.
We froze our butts off in a parade.
We spit on Russ Taff!
These wonderful memories..I remember them all. I even remember the minute details.
We may never agree on anything about Alex Oveckin …or we may never get you to finally understand how marching band is a waste of time and effort….But it is exactly these things which are endearing.
In summary, I love these memories. I love how it’s our thing.
I once had a thing.
I once had a thing where I was constantly under this horrific anxiety. I once had a thing which would cripple my ability to exist socially with others. It has taken me almost all of my adult life dealing with something which was so dark that it took years to finally come up with the questions to ask.
Things take time. I get that. Do you think I got here overnight? Noooo. It’s been a never ending game of emotional grab ass You think you’re okay and the next minute, ugh.
As much as we fail to admit it…our relationship is forever a part of us. When you share a bond with someone, it isn’t built on a physical condition. Friendships and shared experiences aren’t something associated with a face…You don’t relive them with an image. You make a heart to heart connection, like Jonathan and David but without all the gay overtones. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)
Just so you know…it’s okay if you don’t understand.
For the past few years I have been deep in thought and taking on so much self generated fear.
It isn’t a good feeling.
I too think back on our past and ask myself “was it all a lie?”
Today I am able to ask that question and slowly utter the words
No.
I walked through most of my life wearing a Breaking Bad hazmat suit, listening to the tongue symphony of life wearing earmuffs…All the empathy but none of the connection.
I can remember the first time I truly felt emotion. I was holding my crying Daughter and I could just feel it. It was truly an out of body experience.
In the end, all I can tell you is that I love you. I love you as I would have you love me. Your tall. You’re balding. You are a better scholar. I have boobs. We all come to the same table wanting the same thing.
We want our children loved and protected. We want our hockey teams to never stop winning. We want peace and kindness. We want to follow the words of Christ when He says “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Why does it feel so hard to do? Why is is hard to love and love unconditionally? Why do I sit here letting the past drag me down? Why can’t I forget the past and move on?
Then it dawned on me…
Without yesterday today is a mere fantasy. Yesterday builds the foundation of today.
You don’t have to totally understand. It’s okay. Ask me any question you can possibly think. I value your thoughts. You are my friend.
..And we will meet at the end of the tour.
At the end of the tour
When the road disappears
If there’s any more people around
When the tour runs aground
And if you’re still around
Then we’ll meet at the end of the tour
The engagements are booked through the end of the world
So we’ll meet at the end of the tour
